Ahhhhhhhh stressssss!!! I can't eat, I can't sleep! Graduate defense seminars have got to be the worst thing ever!!! I'll never do an advanced degree again! (>__<);;;;

I know I'm supposed to sleep early tonight but tell me HOW?? I've been having butterflies in my stomach for the last few weeks!! Someone told me to stop studying but how can I?? What if someone asks me some really easy question during my defense and I screw it up?

AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I hate this feeling.

Think positive, think positive, think positive, think positive....

I've had it. Enough.

Enough of being scared, enough of being anxious, enough of being overly considerate of other ppl's opinions and thoughts, enough of entertaining regrets & doubts, enough of wallowing in low self-esteem. I am ANGRY and I want my life back!

If my committee wants a defense, I'll give them a bloody good one. You wanna be difficult, well so can I. I'll make it hard for you guys to question me until everyone will have to shut their mouths and accept the fact that I did my best in grad school. This is my best. Deal with it.

My confidence comes from the Lord and I'm taking it. I'm NEVER giving up, I'm fighting my way out of grad school! You hear that? I'm FIGHTING back!

The end is near...........I have one week before I conduct my research thesis defense (oral examination). I received an email today from my research advisor who seemed concerned with some issues in my thesis draft. Now, while the situation is not earth-shattering, why do I feel nervous?

Is it true? Is it possible? Will I really graduate soon? My term in grad school seems to last forever and yet, I have reason to believe that most of my work will be done within 2 weeks. I still fear and entertain anxieties. May God forgive me for my lack of faith and preserve me to the end of this valley.

Give to the wind your fear

Hope and be undismayed

God hears your sighs and counts your tears

God will lift up, God will lift up, lift up your head

Through waves and clouds and storms,

He gently clears the way

Wait because in His time, so shall this night

Soon end in joy, soon end in joy

Soon end in joy, soon end in joy*


The night is almost over; the day is almost here.** Remember Your promise, Lord. I wait for the night to soon end in joy.


* God Will Lift Up Your Head ~ Jars of Clay "Redemption Songs"
** Romans 13: 12

Ooohhh I LOVE belated Birthday gifts! Especially when they come at the right time! *0*)//

Thanks to Jas and Aeden for getting the lovely Full Metal Alchemist keychains to me! *points at pic below*

Ahh so kawaii! I love all of them XDDD *huggles them* This makes me feel better today ~ (^_^)~

For the past week, I've been filled with guilt and disappointment with myself. First, I haven't been able to finish my thesis the way I hoped to and secondly, I haven't been able to spend as much time with my auntie who visited me for graduation.

She took the plane for home this morning and I left the airport crying bitterly. All the time I'm saying, "I'm sorry...I'm so sorry." I really was. I'm sorry that I wasn't able to balance between my work and family. I'm sorry that I was not smart enough to make things work out as I planned. I'm sorry that I allowed the stress from work affect the way I treat family.

As I try to deal with guilt, I find another battle rearing its ugly head: The lack of self confidence. I can't seem to find any good in what I've done in graduate school and I feel so useless. The words of my research advisor keep resounding in my head and on a daily basis, I have to reconvince myself that I'm not as big a failure as I imagine myself to be.

I sat down in my room, all alone now that my auntie has left. Yes, once again, I feel so alone. As I think about my upcoming thesis defense, feelings in doubt and inadequacy fill my distressed heart.

#####

"What if... what if"

I feel homesick. I miss having my family who would love me and accept me despite my weaknesses and mistakes.

I hate graduate school. I hate what it has stolen from me. My confidence. My time. My energy. My family.

I miss grace. I can't even forgive myself.

God, I earnestly pray. I hope You exist because I need to know that there is joy in the end. I'm too tired, I'm close to giving up. Help me please. PLEASE. Or I will die.

#####

I read the Bible, too tired to even give in to sinful indulgences and took a nap. I woke up and took a warm shower. It suddenly occurred to me, "Why do I keep beating myself up on my weaknesses and failures? Why not focus on what strengths and gifts God has given you? Have I forgotten that I am loved by God?"

It's amazing how a simple thought like that transforms the psychology of the mind. I need to remind myself that no matter what the world thinks of me, what really matters is what God thinks of me. There is nothing in this world more comforting and liberating than that because God loves me and created me for a greater purpose than just being a good grad student. Having that knowledge, how can I give up now?

Praise God, pls hold me close as I cross the finishing line.

Happy Mother's Day to all mothers of the world, both to those who celebrate and grieve on this day, God bless you all with His neverending love, protect your hearts and give you the strength to be strong for the family.

****************************
Happy Mother's Day to my mum who had to bear pain in giving me life, to patiently teach me the ways of life, to endure with my annoying habits, temper tantrums, foolish decisions & stubbornness and to sacrifice her own time/resources/luxuries/desires for my sake.

I'm sorry for the times I didn't treat you with respect and for not understanding your teachings. You did the best and allowed God to do the rest. May God lead and teach me to be a great mum like you, and may I pass down the same wisdom and love you have given me to the future generation. Thanks, Ma. *hugs*

(^____^)

Hello everyone, I've been very busy running around finishing off a major part of my Master's thesis the week before and it's Graduation weekend! (Note: I really graduate this summer (tentatively June) when I complete my oral examination and submit my thesis, but yeah it doesn't hurt to celebrate first hehehe


In the graduation hall with a friend from a ballroom dancing club (Yes, I LOVE dancing...>^^<) Btw, it's me on the left.

A quick full shot of my graduation gown. Yahoo! I get to wear black this time as a Master graduate. \(*0*)/(refer to next pic)


This is what Bachelor grads wear in my uni...... It's not exactly my fav color for a graduation gown. But hooray for Trevor!

I got myself some nice letter stickers and stuck this to my cap. It's my way of expressing my gratitude to God for getting me out of grad school! I admit I was nervous initially coz ppl were questioningly looking at my cap but eventually, most of my friends (even non believers) thought it was cool. \m/ Go God!

Posing with Firman teehee. I have no idea what obsessed him to buy that hat today. It must be the graduation mood.

Eat your heart out, Ash! <--- private joke Sorry for the long one, hope everyone enjoys this ~ I've been very busy and will be super busy for the next few weeks as well. I'll try to come back as often as I can but at the moment, life is crazy! Seeya later ^_^)//