I've been feeling miserable for the last two weeks. I get annoyed, frustrated, impatient, disillusioned, unmotivated...you name it. And the best of all, I'm not even sure why. I scapegoat the people around and my thesis. Both pose challenges to me on a daily basis. But today I realize that I was just passing the blame to others or my circumstances, thus justifying my less- than-Christ-like actions/thoughts.

To tell the truth, I haven't been reading the bible, praying or spending quiet time with the Lord. Why you may ask? Strange, I can't generate an answer straight away. Maybe my pride is doing me in. "I don't need God for the littlest things or that I'm doing fine as a Christian on my own." How did this self-deception creep into my life?

Yesterday night, I was working very hard on my mangakaing. My mind was whirling with negative thoughts and I wondered whether this is what God wants me to do. How can I generate Christian manga when my spiritual self is dying? Suddenly, I felt the need to stop; Stop what I'm doing and go to my bedroom for some quiet time. It was one of those rare instances where I didn't dare to disobey for the conviction was quite strong. I picked up the Bible and the 40 days of community guide and went into the bedroom. I did some reading until I fell asleep.

I slept for 10 hours that night! That surprised me, for I usually only require 5-6 hours of sleep in general. The more I think about it now, the more I consider the possibility that God is telling me that I need rest. Not just physical rest, but spiritual rest. I recalled Psalms 23.

"The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul, he guides me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me." I've been trying to fill up my emptiness with activities, assignments, earthly pleasures, goodness know what...when all I really needed to do was go to the Lord, submit all my burdens to Him and rest. That's it. Simple as that. Good griefy. Why couldn't I see it before?

So I took the time off this morning. Forget emails, forget the errands I need to do, forget that manga chapter, forget my thesis, forget my family issues, forget the canned foods I need to donate to church....nuts, forget even the church service today. It's time for me to fellowship with God one on one. Time to bring out all the things that trouble my soul; my problems, my doubts, my sins..... For 2 weeks, I felt I had no one to share my deepest feelings and thoughts. This morning, I let it all out to God and prayed for His mercy and Help.

Then, I opened the Bible, not sure of what to expect. I guess it's fine if God doesn't show me an answer straight away. But BAM! 2 Corinthians 1: 3-7

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.

I'm like "Wow..." I continued to read on, " If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort."

Oh My Lord. I almost cried. This is an example of God speaking to me personally and He's done that in my life before. I haven't had this for quite a while and He knows how much I missed His voice. There is a purpose in the sufferings we all endure. For every form of suffering that exist in this world, there is an equal amount of comfort to go with it. The only question is where are we soughting this comfort from? From alcohol/drugs? From other people (i.e. relationships)? From keeping ourselves busy? For the last 2 weeks, I've been choosing all the other options and have been left miserable. Today, I choose God and am reminded that He is the only One that truly comforts my soul. My hunger for God and His ways is revived; there is hope once again. I'm going back to the option that has ever made a difference in my life. Praise God.

Whoever think I'm a problem-free happy-go-lucky gal, "oh she's so lucky, life is so easy for her" needs to seriously reconsider their assumption. <-- Frankly that statement bugs me to no end. Hypothetical situation: I'm trying to advise a friend who is depressed about her life as a single. I tell her, "Heyy..enjoy your singlehood and make lotsa friends. XD" But she replies, "Huh, easy for you to say, you already have a boyfriend. " <-- this is a mild example. I've had, "You have great parents, lucky you. Now, leave me alone."

Do you guys realize how frustrating this is? I care deeply for my friends and most of the time when I open my mouth to give advice, the intention is only to help you to overcome/face challenges in life (especially from a psychological or spiritual aspect). But when friends start spouting the "You are lucky, you never lost anything or have everything, you will never understand my pain" in return, it's a huge slap to my face and it really hurts. Just because I have certain 'priviledges' in life, doesn't mean I have no problems as well. Really, who do you think you are? Pls PLEASE stop talking as if you're the only one with problems. That's selfishness. Stop victimizing yourself. It's tempting to think that your problems are so unique & huge that no one will ever understand you. Many ppl in this world are in far worse situations than us such as no food, no clothes, *gasp* no Internet.....or some ppl are dying from cancer, being sexually exploited on a daily basis, dying in war, blind, handicapped etc.etc. It's humbling when one learns to be grateful instead and to channel their care to those who need help instead of focusing on themselves.

I admit that I need to change my own selfish attitude. I keep thinking that everyone was being plain annoying or saying mean/stupid things but I'm actually the hypocrite since I'm doing it too! Gah! Now how did Jesus do it? How did He put up with all the crap from his own people and yet still loved them, better still saved them? If it were my fleshly self, I'll be shoving all of humanity straight down to hell. Thank God I'm not God. XD;;;;; That's some serious love there and all Christians have so much to learn from Jesus.

Think about it. No one (well..except God) can help you if you wish to remain in your pride and selfishness and refuse to be helped. But lucky you, God still loves you.

I hate my pride. It always creep in when I least expect and by the time, I've realized it, some arrogant deed or thought has already been done. I always want to top over others, I always subconsciously keep scorecards between myself and others, I always gloat silently when I do better than others.

Don't tell me there's nothing wrong with it. There is a lot of wrong with it in my eyes and for good reason. What does all this pride leave me with? Insecurity: Because I constantly fear that someone better than me will come along. Deception: I deceive myself that I don't realize what's out there. Selfishness: No one else matters except me, because I'm -that- great. Impatience/Lack of grace: I expect others to be just as good as...me.

Gahhh!!!! I fear the Lord's lesson in humility because it's always painful for my ego. But I'm thankful that the Holy Spirit faithfully prompts me and I pray that He'll always been there by my side to keep watch over me coz I don't know why I do what I don't want to do. Gotta keep fighting it....fight fight fight