For the past week, I've been filled with guilt and disappointment with myself. First, I haven't been able to finish my thesis the way I hoped to and secondly, I haven't been able to spend as much time with my auntie who visited me for graduation.

She took the plane for home this morning and I left the airport crying bitterly. All the time I'm saying, "I'm sorry...I'm so sorry." I really was. I'm sorry that I wasn't able to balance between my work and family. I'm sorry that I was not smart enough to make things work out as I planned. I'm sorry that I allowed the stress from work affect the way I treat family.

As I try to deal with guilt, I find another battle rearing its ugly head: The lack of self confidence. I can't seem to find any good in what I've done in graduate school and I feel so useless. The words of my research advisor keep resounding in my head and on a daily basis, I have to reconvince myself that I'm not as big a failure as I imagine myself to be.

I sat down in my room, all alone now that my auntie has left. Yes, once again, I feel so alone. As I think about my upcoming thesis defense, feelings in doubt and inadequacy fill my distressed heart.

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"What if... what if"

I feel homesick. I miss having my family who would love me and accept me despite my weaknesses and mistakes.

I hate graduate school. I hate what it has stolen from me. My confidence. My time. My energy. My family.

I miss grace. I can't even forgive myself.

God, I earnestly pray. I hope You exist because I need to know that there is joy in the end. I'm too tired, I'm close to giving up. Help me please. PLEASE. Or I will die.

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I read the Bible, too tired to even give in to sinful indulgences and took a nap. I woke up and took a warm shower. It suddenly occurred to me, "Why do I keep beating myself up on my weaknesses and failures? Why not focus on what strengths and gifts God has given you? Have I forgotten that I am loved by God?"

It's amazing how a simple thought like that transforms the psychology of the mind. I need to remind myself that no matter what the world thinks of me, what really matters is what God thinks of me. There is nothing in this world more comforting and liberating than that because God loves me and created me for a greater purpose than just being a good grad student. Having that knowledge, how can I give up now?

Praise God, pls hold me close as I cross the finishing line.