The last few weeks have been very difficult. I've faced many challenges and failures in my research. I had too many things and responsibilities to respond to. I was disorganized, flustered and anxious. I cried, I yelled, I screamed, I slammed stuff around. I did not like admitting my weakness, my inadequacy and limitations.

I felt stupid and useless. How is it that something simple could turn out to be so difficult for me? How it is that my mind cannot train itself to be more critical thinking and logical? I wished that I did not need to sleep and eat so that I could get my work done. I wished I was smarter and knew what to do. It's been a while since I've felt such anguish and despair. It's been a while since I've cried so hard and bitterly (I literrally wailed).

"Stupid enough to learn." Funny how that comforts me. Lord, you remind me that this life I'm living is temporary and there's a journey involved as I make my way back to You. The journey may be jagged, treacherous and painful. I may be slowed down by various obstacles and pushed to the sides. But I'm coming home.

Does anyone believe in the power of prayer? Yes I do! Let me tell you why.

I've been struggling with my graduate research work for 1.5 years. I spent one whole year trying to figure out HPLC (High Performance Liquid Chromatography), working with polyphenols and how to set up fermentations. For 6 months, I had no idea why I could not get the results I wanted. Two months ago, I suspected that the lack of an extraction step was the culprit. So I worked hard to learn how to extract polyphenols during Spring Break. The day before, I thought I had the answer with a carefully designed experiment. But I was shocked when my data showed NOTHING. My hopes dashed!

To make this short, I ran off to CAA (Christian Anime Allliance, my online home ^^) and asked for prayers for wisdom and guidance in my work. Many wonderful members responded and guess what, on that very same day, I got my breakthrough!!! Yeaahh, finally, I see the chromatography peaks that I need! My gosh, I'm so happy I don't even really know how to express my gratitude and praises for God. It's amazing! I truly believe that the CAA members' prayers made the difference.

I also learnt a lesson of humility from all this. Everytime I keep trying to achieve something by my own will, I only end up tired, frustrated and upset. But that day, when I asked for prayers, I sincerely humbled myself and acknowledged that I can't do it and only God can help me. God has flung open the doors for me, the moment I humble myself completely before. And he has done it again. It made me wonder how much pride and trust I had in myself. And how worthless it is. I'm nothing without God. Oh my God, how wonderful and great you are! How worthy you are of praise! Your hand of Grace has lifted me up again. ^^

I've been cleaning up my old hotmail account and remember most of my old friends in Taylor's Evangelical Fellowship. While I vaguely remember names, I do recalls their faces and their personalities. I realized that I knew them but never really *knew* them. I was not a strong christian then and never really did much to support anyone spiritually (or rather, I couldn't).

I am deeply saddened coz from what I've heard so far, one of them, reverted to Islam and another abandoned Jesus because of a painful g/b relationship. How could this happen? How could one reject God after experiencing the joy and peace of believing in Jesus? Perhaps they never truly experienced it? Maybe they gave up on imperfect christians surrounding them? Only God knows.

I regret that I could have been there even though it's obvious that I just couldn't. I feel silly with this kind of thought but the sorrow is real. There are times I wished I had accepted Jesus earlier and had become stronger in my faith. But my God, you don't count the past and therefore, I release my guilt. My heart still feels the pain seeing your sheep abandon you but I will fight for them through prayer. May my prayer reach across the world and may its power be known. I believe Jesus that if I pray for them, divine power will be upon their lives.