Fuge, terche, et quisset...

4 a.m. and I'm all alone. At initial thought, I couldn't help focusing on my stomach discomfort, which I've been experiencing for a few days and wondering whether this was the cause of my unability to sleep properly.

I got up and decided to continue my reading of Gordon MacDonald's "Ordering Your Private World" for the 2nd time. I remember deciding that this is one of the best spiritual books I've read for the longest time and see no harm in reading it again. This time I'm taking down notes and highlighting important points. Maybe I do like reading after all.

"We must learn to soundproof the heart against the intruding noises of the public world in order to hear what God has to say....The essential thing is not what we say, but what God says to us and through us."

I realize that the restlessness in my heart for the last few weeks are a result of me listening to myself and only myself. I've just realized that sometimes I talk too much. Sometimes I have too much of an opinion. What about God's opinion?

"Worship and intercession are far more the business of aligning myself with God's purposes than asking Him to align with mine."

I've been too busy trying to get the results to prayers by myself. "Got to make this happen. Gotta get the ball rolling. If I don't do this, nothing will happen." No wonder I worry so much about getting a job, scripting webmanga, ...everything! Aiyayah.

"How did we get to a day when stress and fatigue are almost a badge of success?"

Once again, that statement hits me with conviction. Why have I been feeling guilty not doing "much" or as we joke, "professional bumming"? Why do I feel unworthy and ashamed in the current phase of life? Perhaps I've been so busy setting up myself against my own standards of success and not God's standards. Does God really care how much I earn or how many projects I can juggle at the same time? Or is He more concerned about whether I care enough to spare some time to sit down with Him and converse? Hello Martha, busy again, aren't we?

So, I'm back to journalling. Not blogging, mind you. Writing little tidbits in a small book - something I know helps in calming down the madness in my mind and soul. I want to be able to talk to God properly - without the screaming distractions and interruptions of the world.

Maybe this is why I've been delayed in my job search, webmanga efforts or all the wonderful great things I want to achieve in life. Maybe it's time to stop, rest and listen. Now I just have to disciplined myself to do so. :)

Silence, solitude and inner peace - It's not bad at all.